One Day

One day these hands will create a masterpiece worthy of the world's love and hate
One day I will be able to watch my parents never lift a finger in a day's labor and still have plenty of food to eat
One day I will be the reason change is an instinct, a reaction, quite simply a complicated verb
One day I will be able to force feed people into action with words
One day I will find reason that's been lost under paragraphs of amendments and pages that bleed
One day I will have the means to thank God for sending me a love I never dreamed
One day I will find the grandest piano my husband could ever fathom
One day I can give my family and friends all they have ever deserved
One day I will be able to put into words the love I feel for everyone that carries a piece of me with them
One day the sky will boast of wishes and dreams come true
One day the world beneath it will believe in them too
One day the streets will be empty of homeless and replaced with warmth
One day we will stop giving our silent consent
One day life will be what we chose for it to become
One day death will come
And that day is the day I should be able to say
I gave my life & heart to those that matter and have bowed down to my passion & heart's desires wherever their whispers came from
One day death will come
And that day is the day I should be able to say
I gave it my all
And then some.

Am I supposed to....?

Am I supposed to refrain from cursing simply because I have a vagina?
Am I supposed to be intrigued by glittering fangless vampires?
Am I supposed to agree with you just to avoid a fight?
Am I supposed to be making wise cracks at men because now I am a wife?
Am I supposed to be mad at Tiger Woods because he cheated a million times?
Am I supposed to feel guilty for telling the truth?
Am I supposed to fall victim to someone's feet just because they cry?
Am I supposed to get dressed up for work to impress....who?
Am I supposed to feel ghetto because I like hip hop music?
Am I supposed to go to church because that's what good people do?
Am I supposed to be conservative and refrain from always speaking my mind?
Am I supposed to go unnoticed and not dance in the middle?
Am I supposed to give a damn what you think?
No, right?
So then WHY oh WHY do you you challenge me to be more like me by trying to persuade me not to be me when all I can possibly be is a better version of me when you didn't even like the original me and now you get stuck with an even more me!

Poll Results "Battle of the Sexes!"

First and foremost I must say that I absolutely LOVED this month's poll results!!! Thank you everyone who voted and casted such fantastic results that ultimately began some very fiery discussions.. so lets begin!

Significant others that talk to their exes?

71% Are you serious? Major LOL
42% Maybe, I mean, does that mean I can still talk to mine?
0% I don't mind. Reminds them of how good they have it.

I loved this poll! Exes are always a delicate subject in any relationship so I found it very interesting when I saw that no one was a definite "I don't mind." It was either a hell no or a hmmm.... I like that people are alive in thought or extremely sure of what they want or don't want. I'm not sure how to analyze the 42% percentile group... does this suggest that maybe it's ok because you are able to talk to your ex and that is sort of an exciting option rather than hiding it and who cares who they talk to at least now you can talk to " ".. or that maybe it's ok because their ex doesn't bother you and I guess that means yours is also in the clear if you wanted them to be? Is this a possible dangerously close-to-flirting-with-a-cheating-situation or a just security in your relationship? What do you think???

I, unfortunately, fall into the majority. HOWEVER, there are certain exempts from this rule. I don't believe that exes hold some sort of magical control over your significant other that forces them into the dark hands of inevitable infidelity & lust. There are some (rarely) respectable platonic exes that are genuinely capable of being just friends-and good friends at that. I have been witness to this. But more often than not, they aren't. They take advantage of you and your significant other's good nature and take unnecessary trips down memory lane, always willing to give "good" advice for your relationship, inside jokes, seemingly harmless flirting, random invites that exclude the spouse, i miss yous or i love yous....etc. So, in the end.... I agree "MAJOR LOL"

Fellas biggest turn off in a lady?

25% Ugly Feet
50% Crooked Teeth
50% Too Fat
50% Body Odor
0% for cursing, smoking, drinking, greasy hair, too skinny

This was pretty interesting. I pretty much agree with the ones that were selected, although to me, it appears a lot of those attributes or best said flaws, can be fixed. Pedicures, braces, dieting or surgery for extreme measures, and the most basic of them, showering! (duh) But of course the initial physical attraction is what sets off the relationship and those are all things you don't want to have to fix if you don't even care about her yet. I get it. But cursing, smoking, drinking... those are all habits. Wouldn't those be harder to stop or curve?? What do you think?? Maybe I'm wrong.. if so.. LADIES! Let loose those potty sailor mouths, puff puff away, bring out the Grey Goose, fuck the shampoo, and barf til you can't barf no more cuz men still think you are lovely!

Ladies Biggest turn off in a male?

66% Shy
16% Smoker
16% Drinker
0% for fashionably retarded, loud, gamer, jock, sensitive, macho

Even more interesting! Does this prove that women are less vain? Nah, probably not. I was suprised to see that shy was not very attractive for a lady. I would have thought that would be the less popular choice since women love the challenge of the silent types, but apparently gentlemen, we like you outgoing, talkative and wild! Keep the smoking and the drinking light and bring out the mismatching clothes, obnoxious loudness, the overnight lines for the new games, all the ESPN we can swallow, the man tears, and the macho macho man cuzz we apparently don't care and will love you still!

Women with kids?

66% Hell no! I want my own! Plus who wants baby daddy drama?
33% Sure why not? Everyone has a past.
16% Maybe depends on how deep the relationship is

Men with kids?

50% Hell no! I don't want to be a step mom! Who wants baby momma drama?
25% Sure why not> Everyone has a past
25% Maybe, it depends on how deep the relationship is

Thoughts?????


Guys that cry?

50% Nothing wrong with that, they're sensitive
16% Gay. Wow. So Gay,
16% Depends like if there was a death in the family, etc
16% I don't even know how to deal with girls when they cry

Look at us compassionate beings! Great results! I have trouble fitting perfectly into any of these percetages. I think I feel a little bit of all of them. Is that terrible? ha!

I would let you cheat on me with...

16% Salma Hayek
50% Johnny Depp
16% Roselyn Sanchez
16% Gabrielle Union
No love for Brad Pitt, Vida Guerra, Tyson Beckford, or William Levy

Maybe I chose bad candidates? I have absolutely no idea who is extremely attractive in Hollywood enough to cheat. According to my husband.. depending on the role the actor is playing, depends on if I would do them or not. More often than not, he's right.

How to determine a player?

16% His boys are watching when he comes to talk to u
33% "psst! Ay, girl!"
33% Has 500 facebook friends, 400 of them female
33% Invites you to his house on the first date

I like all of these results! Except the "psst ay girl" if a man is still using that to get your attention, he isn't a player, he's an asshole.

How to determine a slut?

33% Body Language
66% All women are sluts

HILARIOUS. In all fairness, I didn't have this option for the ladies, so I do apologize. Do I agree with these totally obscure results? Absolutely

Ladies, sexiest trait for the fellas?

40% His smile
40% His touch
60% His eyes
20% His talents

This is coming from real ladies, gentlemen! Don't believe the hype. 0% for body, dress code, voice, and hair! And SIXTY percent was for eyes. What does this mean? Leave the ridiculous dark shades at home, keep your hair out of your face, lose the unnatural color contacts and give it to us plain, naked, and raw. We love the way you look at us!

Fellas, sexiest trait for the ladies?

50% Her smile
25% Her hair
75% Her eyes

WHOA! See ladies? They DO notice our hair! ZERO percent for everything else! Leave that hollywood perception alone and make sure you are brushing those pearly whites, spending the extra cash for that sensual shampoo, and leave the ridiculous bumblebee shades at home, keep your hair out of your face, lose the unnatural color contacts, keep the makeup minimal and nondistracting or at least learn to do GOOD makeup, and dart those lashes at your man. He loves it!!!!!

Finally, a poll where the sexes agree! Eyes truly are the windows to our souls.

Women cook and clean. Men work and fix things

42% False!
57% Eh, sorta.

Watch out, fellas. This is NOT the 1920's and women are not waiting around for you to bring home the bacon or to fix our shit. We got tools, we got high paying jobs, we got handymen, and we are ready! You better order a pizza honey cuz there ain't no cooking around here and make sure you take off your shoes at the door, we fired the maid. Keep up with us or keep it moving!
However, there are still many women out there that hold some of the old school values and there is nothing wrong with that either. What is a traditional woman anyway? Who knows that definition anymore.. The only point to argue here is very simple... those old school marriages? It has to be working because they are still married.

Hope I sparked some fire into some of you and thanks so much for all of your votes. Stay tuned for June's polls.

Tonight

Tonight I do not wish to speak of the day's events or of our other woes...

Tonight I don't want to be held I want to be rocked out of this world

Until I can't feel my toes

Tonight I do not wish to confess my undying love or dedication

Tonight I don't want to light candles I want to start a fucking fire

And possibly make it into a documentation

I didn't bother doing my hair

Because tonight you are going to be pulling and leaving chunks of it

everywhere

I didn't accept your fine wine or your freshly drawn bubble bath

Because tonight you're going to get me filthy and unconscious amidst your

wrath

Tonight I don't want to make love I'm tired and drained of all the

emotional responsibility that demands

I'll make it up to you, I promise

I'll make amends

I had a fucked up day and now all I seek is revenge

Tonight I want your hands to explore dark depths we never went to before

Wage a war upon my sinful skin and go beyond the borders of a wife turned

whore

And then tomorrow, when the sex has leaked from my eyes, we'll make sweet

love the way our souls know how to and were born to do

And by then, the bruises and bites would have faded... well... at

least on you.

Desperate

I
can't
take
it
any
more
The streets reek of lies, underaged sex, and stories of horror that never hit public stores
The police station is pretty and bright
The pond is lit up at night
Green
Mother
Fucking
Chili
You
Illiterate
Ignorant
Assholes
"I have never seen a black person"
45 minute drives with no medians or lights
Walmart is guarded like Guatanamo Bay at night
DUI
DWI
No
Entertainment
Go
Farm
Work
Work
Work
Work
Is it hunting season yet?
Work
Work
Work
Is the camper ready?
Work
Work
WORK!!!
Can't find a friend, they don't really like us
We're different, I guess. Which is surely something you can't trust
The Indian Feast is tomorrow and I can't deny?
Why? Will they take up more land than they already have?
Why, yes. Yes they will.
L
O
L
Casino here
Casino there
Casinos at $7.50 an hour everywhere!
Empty hospital beds soaked with beryllium and high salaries
Empty classrooms soaked with remains of a heroin high diet free of calories
Full Cemeteries and wreaths that weep
Full collection of head wraps to shield the baldness you know keep
Cancer
Cancer
Cancer
Work
Work
Work
The green on the mountains are coming back!
Don't drink the water!
Have a drink, or two, or three
Then be all you can be in your new Chevy on the streets
R
I
P
My cousin, uncle, sister in law, aunt, neice, grandma, dad
Died
300 people mourn the same cries
Oh well
Get a job at the lab and all will be fine
$18.54 for steak?
That's a bad ass cow
We do it because no one asks us how
Union this
Union that
Pay the union dues
But don't expect pay back!
Have you tried the heroin?
It's the best on the block
Baby lets go out the weather is nice, it's finally hot
Ok, where do you want to go?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OUT!

Nightmares

Sleepless night as I toss and turn in positions that all seem wrong
Unfamiliar hands roam my body that don't and probably never did belong
Faces darkened with lust and colored with greed
Nails rake down my back as my heart screams and bleeds
Stained candy coated bed sheets brightly remind me of the blind need I percieved
My back is arched and curved around a florescent sickly pale hip
The release boasts of a hundred years worth of tears that never leaves my lips
Laughter bounces off the walls mocking faces dance with satisfaction
My shaking turns to shivers and my reaction focuses for only a fraction
I feel a sun kissed warmth graze the nape of my neck and linger in the saintly scent of my skin
An arm of steel and gold secures his grip on my hips and somehow reaches me from within
A nightmare so distant from truth how could I even believe the demons that reached me in my sleep
When I awake to a man everyday whose love I keep
Sleepless night as I toss and turn in positions that all seem wrong
One night without you beside me to keep me safe and warm.. 24 hours seems forever too long.

Little Wonders

I don't know why I feel the need to express the beauty of things that appear to be common sense but aren't. Maybe I just need some sort of open platform to rant. Isn't that the point of blogging?

Everyone has a story. Everyone has a past that hides darkened secrets that have scraped along the edges of our heart's core. Tears that will never be forgotten and outbursts of shrill laughter that echoed through decades of picturesque snapshots of your summarized life.

My story is no exception from this description and some day when I have enough balls to reread what I just wrote, I will write my own story. And then maybe, just maybe, someone will take that snapshot and keep it with them forever.

Little wonders is what I have learned to cherish. Here is my large and obnoxious list of little wonders I have learned to appreciate due to my story and the scars I left behind in those snapshots I sometimes learn to revisit:

Little Wonders to appreciate daily:

Love
Family
Friendship
Someone who waits for your call
Someone who gets worried about you
The person who is waiting for you at home
Burnt dinners
Random acts of kindness
Smiling
Legs and arms
A voice that allows me to project everything I want anyone to hear
A backyard
Bodies of water
Comfortable moments of silence
Cell phones
Road barriers
Traffic
Restaurants open late
Pure truth
The past
Patience (still working on that one)
Waking up to someone next to you that loves you
Having good company

I can think of a million more... what are some of your little wonders?

Speechless

At the way a dancer's body can express what words fail to do
At the way a singer's word's can sing what you never knew you felt all along
At the way a soul's yearning is so loud another person recognizes it's song

It's in the way her voice lifts me up every time we speak, although we speak everyday
It's in the sisters and brothers that understand me effortlessly in every way
It's in the way my heart breaks when I think of the past and all it's tear stricken blood
It's in the defeat I feel when there is nothing I can do except love

Speechless at the logic behind his infidelity to a woman, nay, an angel, a miracle at best
Speechless at the blind hatred that spawned from his careless attempts
Speechless at the rage that burrows from me within
Speechless when I cannot even figure out where to begin

When I feel his touch
When I feel my cheeks grow into a blush
When I feel what I feel
How can I express something that is nothing short of a dream that's real

At the way a bond can be formed so instantly and so destructively
At the way I must hold my tongue calmly yet manically
At the way a smile changes my perspective
At the way my blessings provide protection like a physical contraceptive

It's in the way I never forget and foolishly never stop trying
It's in the way my strength bleeds before it even thinks about crying
It's in the way I love as hard as I fall
It's in the way I scream yell and shout until you have heard it all
It's in the way my world revolves around those that have honored me with their love by choice
It's in the way I cringe at what this world has become at the hands of each unheard voice

Speechless
Speechless
Speechless
Speechless

Is what I am left with
Because I have no words to express the depth of what words simply cannot seem to depict.

Technical Difficulties

Still don't know why the polls aren't showing up.. but I'm working on it! If it's not fixed soon, I'll post whatever results I was able to salvage.

Thanks for voting and sorry!

In a past life....

I was a gypsy from Spain that roamed the streets dancing for another sunrise
I was a politician that stood next to historical angels moving crowds and grasping hearts with words and a podium
I was a mother with a big family that adores the kitchen and hung damp clothing on a line while carrying a lemonade pitcher to the young man fixing the playground swing
I was a developer stuck behind a desk finding out the best way to market the newest...
I was a a writer wrapped up in madness underneath a thick smoke of opium waiting for my chance to shine
I was a detective married to the mysteries and darkness of the nightwalkers
I was a Chinese wife that practiced kung fu in my bonzai garden submissive but powerful
I was a Japanese teacher that strung music along bamboo benches underneath cherry blossoms
I was an actress that hid behind camera shots and makeup to conceal the truth but project believable lies....

Who were you in a past life?

WARNING! This career field leaves you void of a soul!

The medical field.

I have seen nurses walk by call lights that have been on for no less than 5 minutes
But have seen them mourn a life that was taken in less than two
Ironic?
I have seen doctors give a death sentence as if they were telling them they got a bad haircut
But extend out their cell phone number "just in case"
I have seen nurses justify why they didn't have time to check in on their patients because they are understaffed
But have seen them answer a call light angrily that pulled them away from their crossword puzzle.

A profession that forces you to be numb in order to protect yourself from the reality of death. A passion that ends up burning into lost and forgotten embers.

WHo is worth protecting...
You or the patient?

Piano Keys

White and black
Everything but gray
88 weighted discoveries
Saying my name
His hands, a hard contrast against the pure white
The music he makes
Is the melody to my life
I exhale on his creations
I dream on his tones and rhythmic pauses
White and black
Everything but gray
88 weighted discoveries
& he shares it with me.
I am a slave to his elegance and utterly raw passionate talent
& I could listen to him until the end of time