Open Marriage... Say Whaaat?!

So, I saw an episode of House that shocked me into literary reflective mode. And to be quite honest, House hasn't been able to have that effect on me in quite some time, so I decided to seize the moment as quickly as possible before I lose my written word seizure attack. The episode was basically of this woman who got sick but the main focus (or at least mine) was about her open marriage and all the who, what, when, where, and whys about it.

Can you trust my opinion about this particular topic considering I am totally and completely biased in my opinion since I am married? Probably not. Not to mention I have old school values to add to this pretentious and damn near nonexistent belief in the power of marriage, BUT I will try my poetic best to write in a third person perspective using very minimal emotion and hopefully only using it when appropriate or when it serves its purpose in morally supporting logical trains of thought. ALL ABOARD!

To begin, I'm going to try to define exactly what does an "open marriage," actually mean. I explored the options with my husband and realistically it could boil down to a million reasons ranging from sex (which appears to be the most common) to hobbies (perhaps an area of your interest your spouse does not have) to romance. So, very plainly, I decided it can be defined as whatever it is that your lacking or missing in your marriage that your spouse cannot or will not produce to your satisfaction or needs, OR whatever it is that you are missing from your once upon a time single and/or younger life. To be put even more simply, being able to have your cake and eat it, too.

Let's go into the pros first: (it's gonna get hot people!)

1. INFIDELITY OCCURS ANYWAY- Let's be realistic, I have already broken this bad boy down (check out my "why did I get married" blog) cheating & lying happen more often than not in marriages & relationships. Cheating, regardless of the reason is still cheating. Whether it be because your sexual needs aren't being met on terms that satisfy you, whether it be because your significant other isn't paying enough attention to you, or even a really bad fight last night, it happens! Lust, temptation, yearning, thrill.. pick your poison, it is just (sadly) a common event. What's not so common? Having an understanding with your spouse or significant other. Being honest. Lets say there are problems in the bedroom. He's not doing foreplay your way, she always has a headache, so on so forth. You try talking through the problem, you even try working through the problem. Guess what? Reality is, there are some things you cannot change! Change is relative to the person and coincides with choice. Why, if you don't have to change, should you change? She is saying no, but somewhere out there someone else is screaming out yes. So suddenly no one is having to compromise. You are both honest about the what you want and need and understand that love is not being compromised, just a small desire a guilty pleasure that you hunger for. Instead of having to lie and hurt your spouse to satisfy this hunger, you accept that someone else can give what you cannot but you are still the one they want to come home to and vice versa. This isn't about love. Love is not that one that suffers. But the frustration & the resentment that occurs despite all the love in the world because these problems never go away, that can ruin an entire relationship. What if you can put an end to it? What if you can love strong enough to know that you love that person enough to make them happy, even if it means there are certain areas where you just cannot? Isn't it worth it? Which brings me to my next point:

2.EXPECTING ONE PERSON TO FULFILL ALL YOUR NEEDS FOREVER, IS UNREALISTIC: It almost appears juvenile and naive to think about this fairy tale ending lasts forever. Everyone has particular needs and for the most part, a lot of those needs may be expressed or realized early on in the relationship, but just like everything else, with time those needs change and cultivate into either something more or something completely different all together. So, what do you do in the event that this person that you love can no longer continue to fulfill these needs whether they be old or new? Or how about another curve ball that can occur in life. Spouse has a change in careers. Spends a lot of their time out of town. Weeks, sometimes months, on end. What do you do? Do you conveniently ignore the truth that both of you have needs? Whether it be for another person's intimate company or for someone to curve the loneliness of the vacant hotel nights... how do you deny that those needs just continue to ache? So to be completely and totally pessimistic about human relationships, we have to admit that the thought of cheating presents itself during our most vulnerable moments. This example is not illogical or far fetched, so which is the worst scenerio? One spouse is cheating while the other is loyally waiting for miracles to come true and their spouse to make everything perfect only to discover they have been lying, or both of you maintain your honesty and allow someone else to give them the 10 percent they cannot so that you can truly appreciate them for the 90 percent they do give. You choose.

3. WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE? EVERYONE ELSE HAS FIGURED OUT HOW TO SETTLE FOR LESS. It is a fact. Once you get married, you will have to sacrifice certain things in order to have your marriage work and/or please your spouse. I won't elaborate too much on this one. It is pretty self explanatory. Since you are needing to sacrifice, aren't you in essence, settling? With an open marriage, however, your options are no longer limited. And I must keep stressing the most appealing notion to all of this... YOUR PARTNER AGREES!!!


So, basically, an open marriage appears to be a dream come true. Not only do you have the trust and assurance of your partner that is allowing this magical marriage to happen (which may even benefit your relationship and strengthen it) but you are keeping your marriage exciting and fresh while also having your every need met... without lying about it! Does it get more perfect?

Wait... there's more!

Here are the cons...

1. SO, IT'S OK TO HAVE SEX, BUT NOT TO CARE? Contrary to popular belief, although females are the more emotional species, women are capable of just enjoying the physical act of sex without turning it into a wedding proposal. With that being said, this open marriage idea suggests that you are able to get whatever you are lacking, elsewhere, right? So then where are the boundaries? Are the boundaries set according to each individual scenario, kind of like a "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it," type of ordeal? For example, is it ok to just have casual sex but not ok to have an actual relationship with this person? Does that basically mean that the spouses are only entitled to one night stands? Sex is just sex but when you are having sex, even casual sex, and there is some sort of relationship that has been built, doesn't it mean that it now becomes intimate? Where does that stand in this open marriage? Regardless of how many rules or regulations you may try to put into this open marriage concept (which basically just nullifies the point of the open marriage by putting restrictions on it) you cannot control your most instinctive and natural component- emotion. Suddenly that one night stand was more than you bargained for and the satisfaction was just to die for. Now, who would want to give that up if you don't have to? That one night stand has evolved into a movie night on Thursdays. From movie nights to dinner and a clubbing night, from dinner to a beach to a movie to a hotel night..... what then? Are you now violating this open marriage contract? You simply wanted to satisfy your lust or sexual need, but now a relationship is occuring, but it's not like your lacking a relationship because you still maintain this in your marriage... so, are you cheating? How intimate is too intimate? If you must have some sort of bland relationship before having intercourse (because one night stands just gets a little empty from time to time) what are you allowed to talk about to avoid any sort of possible bond? Is it ok to discuss your spouse, or your family? Your job? Your likes and dislikes? Lets say that the open marriage is not about sex. Your sex life is great with your spouse, it has never been an issue, but there are other things lacking. One of you loves art and your spouse absolutely loathes it. But to you, art is expression in it's purest and best form. It is visual passion. It is an obsession in colors. Is it then ok to become platonic friends with another sex to simply just discuss art? Then one must question the depth your marriage has. If you have to have an "open marriage" simply because your love for art interferes with your marriage..... you shouldn't be married. So, it just boils right back down to sex. Fuck but don't care, talk, think, or speak about it or that person.... hmmm... how tangible is that? How long will that be enough to satisfy that thirst?

2. WOW... THIS PERSON... THEY'RE AMAZING! Ok, so the open marriage is a green light and your adventure begins. What made you come to this agreement? Neither of you were happy, one wasn't happy, so on so forth but you still love each other and want to stay together, right? Well, of course, open marriage, that's the simple answer. However, if you were initially having problems, enough problems that were serious enough to lead to this epiphany of an open marriage, then wouldn't it be safe to say that your platform or your foundation of your marriage is not anywhere solid enough to survive all the possible outcomes of an open marriage? You are with this other person for whatever need it is that they are providing you and now all of a sudden they are part of your life. How do you avoid the thought of them in your mind when your looking at your spouse.. something along the lines of "Well, John would probably never say that to me...." or "Mary would probably like it..." Or even the casual mention in conversation... for example:
"Hey honey, I don't feel like cooking tonight. Are you up for take-out?"
"Well, actually Mary and I went to this chinese spot uptown and it was great. I was thinking about taking you there this weekend anyway."
...........
so what's the proper response here?
A. "Sure, sweetheart! Chinese sounds great!
B. "Why would I want to go somewhere you and your bitch went to?"
C. "You know what honey, I thought we agreed never to speak of our outside activities. Why would you hurt me like that? What else have you done with her?!"
D. "Actually, I think I'll just cook instead."

ANALYSIS:

A. This is me being completely and totally disconnected from you because I don't even care that you enjoyed this place with another woman and now you want to take me. John takes me great places you don't anyway.
B. I ignore the fact that we have this open marriage to my convenience and even though we are doing it, the longer it continues, the more I lose interest in even being with you.
C. I agreed but I hate it and it kills me when I think about you with someone else.... even though I do the same thing.. Oh my god, what are we doing?! I love you and (more psychotic insecure ranting)
D. I am completely and utterly numb and it will eventually consume me.

What happens when spouses get into arguments and know they have that open marriage thing going on and go running into another's arms for comfort instead of dealing with the problem? What limits are there?

What future do you see? What depth can you measure?

Suddenly, that 10 percent they give is way more amazing than your mediocre 90 percent. Then what?

3. I THINK ITS TIME TO END THE OPEN MARRIAGE AGREEMENT- One spouse says its time. The other spouse has become addicted to this freedom and disagrees. Now what? Now at this point, love and dedication is questioned. Why are you not enough that they can't give up that lifestyle? Will they just continue to do this behind my back even if they say they are done? When they are late at the office, are they alone? It can become quite impowering to feel that your relationship is immune to all the other failures of common, ordinary relationships when you are able to have the best of both worlds with approval. Once tha approval is revoked, will you be able to still appreciate your spouse for all that they have done? Or will you resent them for giving you freedom only to take it back at their will? Is trust and intimacy forever damaged? Can you ever even look at your spouse the same knowing all of the other hands that have roamed that body, all the other secrets & desires shared between them, knowing someone else was able to satisfy them more than you were able to? Did you ever even love them if you were able to do have these needs met by others outside of your marital bond and not have a guilty conscience simply because you were honest about it? What's honest about that?
.........
That is why you can't have your cake and eat it too.


I apologize for the novel... but I tried to bring out as much as I could. Logical. Open marriage seems like the true happily ever after and def a great option to avoid infidelity, divorce, mistrust.....

But

Point blank.... is that even an option for a happily ever after if it isn't even really a true happily ever after?

LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS!!!!!!!